Welcome to the new decade, everybody.
And welcome to a new, improved Massamen. We’ve realised we need to grow up. This vicious cycle of excessive consumption and inappropriate humour has to stop. So we’re going to keep everything PG henceforth. Recommendations will come with family-friendly reviews, such as ‘the tiling in the bathrooms was majestic’ or ‘the bread was complimentary’.
JUST KIDDING. The bread’s never complimentary.
January’s depressing - you’re fat, sad, poor, and that fitty on Hinge ghosted you when you gave them your Instagram handle. So lean in - eat delish food and dip into that overdraft. WW3’s about to start so live a little before rationing starts.
See below: The Massamen January Diary.
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And if you’re keen to spread the word, we can now officially be found at www.themassamen.com
Note: we tend to order quite a few items at these restaurants. The actual prices aren’t so bad, but if you’re not careful, you may end up with a hefty bill. And then you have to do a runner, and that becomes a whole thing...
If you’re trying to save some dollar, Tesco do a delightful Chicken and Chorizo Tortelloni for £1.50, which you can just pound right before you go out. #lifehack
BTW, we’re removing ratings from our reviews - we only write about shit-hot places, so if you read it here, we promise it’s worth going.
Week 1 (i.e. tonight lol): Xi’An Biang Biang
Price: ££
Address: 62 Wentworth St, Spitalfields, London E1 7AL
Week 1 has been a struggle - two days of work seemed unreasonable.
So start the year with a biang biang at Xi’An Biang Biang, a sister restaurant of the popular Xi’An Impressions in Holloway. You’re going to regret that foolish pledge to do dry Jan - the wine here is unbelievably well-priced so perhaps a compromise is in order. The Sauvignon, please. Dry enough.
Although it seems like it’s going to be unforgivingly spicy, they definitely dumb it down for Westerners. Either way, you’ll still come away feeling adventurous - not the ‘I like to be choked’ sort of adventurous, but enough to tick off that resolution to ‘try new things’.
Biang’ing dishes:
Hand-pulled BiangBiang noodles in special sauce
Pork and veg Wonton in chicken broth
Signature pork dumpling in mild special spicy sauce
Hand-pulled noodles with pork mince in Qishan soup
Week 2: Tbilisi
Price: £££
Address: 91 Holloway Rd, London N7 8LT
What’s that? You thought we only wrote about Asian restaurants? Well, how wrong you were.
Despite being suspiciously empty a lot of the time, Tbilisi does very good Georgian grub. Less well-known than Little Georgia, this place is much better value for money.
Go in a big group and order a feast - gluttony feels less palpable that way and you’ll get to try all the things we suggest below. If you haven’t had Georgian food before, skewers and stews are the highlight.
Go classic with:
Khinkali (big ole soup-y dumplings. Don’t eat the tops of them - traditionally only poor people do that)
Borscht (beetroot soup)
Hachapuri po-adjarski (ridiculous eggy cheesy bread - 1 per 2 persons)
Chashushuli (stew)
Chahohbili (different type of stew)
Pork skewers
Saperavi wine x8
Week 3: Nambu-Tei
Price: £££
Address: Berkeley Arcade, 209A Baker St, Marylebone, London NW1 6AB
Happy hump week. Time to clean up your act a little bit. Get it together, Linda.
Some clean, Japanese food is in order. Nambu-Tei is a great, hidden spot, doing classic Japanese food, with very reasonably priced sushi/sashimi.
The Nasu Dengaku (miso aubergine) here is our favourite in London and they also do good Sukiyaki (Japanese hot pot).
The good shit:
Sukiyaki (£26 per person but definitely worth it)
Nasu Dengaku
Eel cucumber roll
Week 4: Hoppers
Price: ££(£)
Address: 49 Frith St, Soho, London W1D 4SG
Hoppers is great because it hasn’t been overhyped. It’s popular but you’re not going to feel like a basic bitch when you go (*ahem, Dishoom*). Go to the Soho version if you can (although you can also find another at St Christopher’s Place), not for the quality of the food, but the atmosphere.
If you haven’t tried Sri Lankan food before, it’s similar to South Indian food. If you haven’t had South Indian food before, it’s similar to Sri Lankan food. Hope that helps xo
It’s worth ordering a few dishes, as they’re not very big. But it’s not the size of the dish that matters, right? Right??
What we’d get:
Idli
Masala Dosa
Aubergine kari
Black pork Kari
Bone Marrow Varuval
1 more week of this torture - you’ve spent your entire paycheck thanks to this newsletter and you’re shocked that the holiday weight hasn’t fallen off you yet. February will be better.
Week 5: Kimchee
Price: ££(£)
Address: 71 High Holborn, Holborn, London WC1V 6EA
Kimchee is the perfect place to round off the month. Very good Korean food at very reasonable prices. Easy to get just a single dish per person or have a huge feast. It’s got a great atmosphere and the food comes quickly.
Go to the Holborn version if you can - we think the food’s slightly better than the King’s Cross branch.
If you’re doing Veganuary, the tap water here is excellent.
What we get:
Bibimbap
Japchae
Pa Jeon
Bulgogi
Kangpoongi chicken
Galbi
Stay safe out there this month, people.
C u in Feb,
The Massamen